- Last night I worked out and then got drunk. Today I am both hungover and so sore I can barely walk and it’s awful.
- A patron got upset with me this morning because I couldn’t get an article for her and I tried explaining copyright restrictions and funding issues and she just kept saying “this is unbelievable, this is fucking unbelievable.” Serious flashbacks to my retail days.
- There’s a heart monitor waiting for me at home that I’m going to have to wear for the next two weeks. I’m not looking forward to this for a variety of reasons, chief among them that the damn thing is bulky and I’m going to have a hell of a time trying to dress around it. I’m sporting some not-appropriate-for-the-library cleavage today since I’m going to be wearing blousy, high cut tops for the next two weeks. Super excited about this.
- I ordered a new bathing suit yesterday and I already regret it. It’s colorful and has wolves on it and was deeply discounted and I’ll probably never wear it. I need to stop buying things for the life I like to imagine I have and just accept the fact that I live a life that involves swimming once a year in the same olive green American Apparel bikini I bought six years ago.
- I really want some Cheez-Its but I really don’t want to go outside. This is a daily struggle.
- the bestie and I met in Hagerstown on Saturday and walked and talked and ate a bunch of Tex-Mex. then she made me try on about a million things and actually buy some of them. it was fantastic.
- two of my best buddies are moving into my neighborhood and another great buddy is staying in the neighborhood and moving even closer to my place. my plan to have all my favorites in walking distance is finally coming together.
- I think I’ve finally found a way to motivate myself to keep my house in better order: constantly worry that someone could drop by at any time and do I really want them to see my living room like this? more friends moving into the hood is helpful in this.
not good but not bad things (eh things?):
- one of my closest friends has a new lady and I like her and I’m happy for him and blah blah blah but the situation isn’t helping my feelings of “oh no, I’m going to die alone.” also, she announced that she’s the jealous type and I really hope that doesn’t effect me or my social life in any way and I feel selfish and awful just writing all this.
- I’ve spent a lot of money lately. like, A LOT. it’s fine because I have it and I’m not being particularly frivolous - sometimes a bunch of stuff comes up all at once - but I can’t help but stress about it.
possibly bad things:
- my anxiety level has been particularly high lately (actually, when was it last not high?) and I went off my birth control and I’m thinking that might have been a terrible mistake. historically, I don’t make the best decisions in panic mode. but who knows, it might be just fine.
- in October I’m going on a trip with my mom and we will be together nearly constantly for TWELVE STRAIGHT DAYS. I haven’t been away for that long since I was seventeen and didn’t have a job or a cat or anything that could potentially go awry in my absence. I also haven’t that much time with my mom since I started pre-K. we just may kill each other.
The Weakerthans — Left and Leaving
spring forward, fall back down
- My brain is just all over the map lately and I can’t seem to make decisions or finish anything and it’s starting to worry my friends.
- I think it’s starting to worry me a bit too.
- I’ve been out every night this week and Monday night was probably the only outing I’ve actually really enjoyed. Teen mom and cats were involved.
- I keep convincing myself of things that aren’t/probably aren’t true (like that I’m pregnant- definitely not true- and that my friends are mad at me for not getting back with my ex and sparing them all the awkwardness- most likely not true) but once a thought gets in your head sometimes it’s hard to get it out, you know?
- My appetite is nearly nonexistent lately. How is that possible? That never happens. Am I sick?
- I think I’m going to turn down a free beach trip this weekend I was really excited about because… well, I don’t know why. For one thing I was awake at 4 am and convinced myself that if I went it was pretty much guaranteed that at some point I’d end up drunk and crying. 4 am thoughts can’t really be trusted and yet…
- Why do we listen to sad songs when we feel down? Am I making things worse with my musical choices?
- I acquired a compact dryer to accompany my compact washing machine (three cheers for soft, not line dried underwear!) which means that I now own two appliances. They may be compact but they’re mine and I’m responsible for them and owning appliances feels very adult like I’m making some kind of commitment even though the washing machine has casters and lives in my linen closet when I’m not using it. I have friends who own homes and thus multiple wheel-free appliances and I’m sure this is all old hat for them but I kept my life light enough to travel (or move in a Corolla) for a very long time and buying appliances feels like the last nail in that coffin.
- I rearranged my living room. I think it looks and feels more homey and uh, I don’t know, deliberate now. The changes also make my two big-ass chairs that don’t match anything totally conspicuous so I have decided to sell them and get one new chair that at least sort of matches my stuff. Finding myself looking to acquire a piece of actual furniture that I don’t really need (I have a big couch and a big ottoman so plenty of seating) but just want also feels very adult.
- I took three giant bags of stuff to Goodwill. I timed this outing so that the bestie would be in town to help me because there was no way I could carry that on my own and I’m too embarrassed by how much stuff I own to let anyone else see just how much I can get rid of and still have too much. I got rid of stuff I’ve had since high school that I haven’t worn in ages and have been moving around with me the last ten years or so. It feels weird and grown-up and sort of sad getting rid of all this stuff. But in a good way. I think.
Sort of related in a non-linear fashion:
- I had an absolutely terrible New Year’s Eve due largely to the food poisoning that hit me shortly before midnight and kept me off solid foods until Friday. However, I suspect it would have been a shitty night anyway because a) my poor planning landed me at a theme party and I hate theme parties and b) there are some personal relationship type things I really need to deal with but haven’t. Basically, I need to be more proactive about a lot of things but especially social things so I can maybe find myself in awkward/uncomfortable/awful situations a little less often.
- 1 teapot that matches my vintage dishes
- 1 tiny old sewing kit in a metal tube
- 31 books (that’s right, 31)
I may have a problem. At the very least, I need more bookshelves.
UPDATE: make that 32 books. Someone needs to lock my Amazon account (and AbeBooks and Ebay…)
- my mom calling me at 8am and me thinking it was to tell me my dog had died (he continues to linger but she’s got the super flu)
- Hugh Jackman’s 60 minutes interview
- a random reference to Artax in the swamp
and it’s not even noon.
- my cubicle is a safety hazard
- pretty much everything I do is unsafe
- nothing else
- I just got a lecture on collection development from a man who is not only not a librarian but also decided last year that we should get rid of all the stuff from Iran and Egypt because “what do those Arabs know about fish?”
- My coworker who has stopped attending mandatory staff meetings since she walked out of the one after my promotion was announced apparently has no qualms with interrupting meetings she wasn’t invited to and contributing nothing except asking questions that have already been addressed and pouting that she doesn’t like how the library losing 30% of its space is going to work out for her.
- One of our databases is down and for some reason every patron who needs it is walking right past the Reference Desk to ask me about it.
- I really don’t want to be here today.
- I spent an obscene amount of money this weekend. Admittedly, at least $800 dollars of that was bills/savings/etc. but I’ve still got to get this spending under control.
- For whatever reason my health insurance deduction more than tripled without explanation or warning. Also, I’m still not getting all the PTO I’m supposed to. I’m going to have to be an adult and deal with this shit and I hate that.
- I went to a concert last night with a friend and his brother and spent much of the show with my back pressed against my friend’s chest and my head tucked under his chin. I haven’t had that in a while and it was nice and I didn’t even know I’d missed it.
- Waking up this morning hungover and alone and smelling like a guy was odd and disorienting. My hair still smells vaguely of Old Spice and Irish Springs.
- I’m seeing Dinosaur Jr. on Thursday with another friend (look at me getting seeing two shows in one week like a normal person who doesn’t hate leaving her apartment). I’m pretty psyched but bracing for disappointment. There is nothing quite so crushing as when something you’ve loved since forever doesn’t live up. The stakes are high.
- With the dual goals of losing weight and saving money in mind I took a few extra minutes this morning before work to cobble together some homemade chicken and veggie soup. It’s delicious and I’m not even that hungry but I’m pretty sure I’m going to go buy something anyway. Something with cheese.
I need to:
- work on hating things less. Specifically: my job, running, people.
- stop crying all the time
- get rid of a bunch of clothes and do laundry on, like, a semi-regular basis so I’ll stop leaving the house looking like mess all the time.
- make friends that are not my cat. or on the internet. or awful.
reblogging myself because I’ve been crying less but I’ve made pretty much zero progress on the rest of these. unless you count hating running less because I’ve been running less and by less I mean kind of not at all.